In just a little over a week, my sweet Nathan turns 1 year old. It is hard to believe that we have already had the blessing of sharing a year with this little guy. As I reflect over the past year, I am reminded of what a tremendous gift he is, especially in the midst of the Christmas season, where we celebrate the ultimate gift in our Savior, Jesus Christ. I recently came across some words I had written in the fall of 2010 about lessons the Lord taught me as we waited for the gift of Nathan. I thought I would share these words as I anticipate the celebration of Nathan's first birthday.
From the time I was a little girl I had expectations of where I would be and what I would be doing at this point in my life. I dreamed of being married, being a teacher, having children, and being a stay at home mom. I moved to Louisville thinking that I would only teach for a few years and then I would start having children. I figured Michael would finish up seminary in about three years and then we would be headed off to serve in a church. All these plans were my plans, my dreams, my hopes, my expectations. The Lord's plans were not the same, however, and within the past three years has led me on a different journey than I had ever imagined.
For the past three years, we have been trying to have a baby. During this time, my heart grew discontent as I watched numerous friends have children. Yet, we were still in the same place, with no baby. I began struggling with envy towards those who were able to have a baby with seemingly no trouble. I began questioning why didn't I get to be a mom? When was I going to have a chance to raise a family? Why did we have to struggle and wait so long for a gift we so longed for? All these questions led to discontentment and it became a battle to work through these thoughts and feelings.
After two years of trying to get pregnant, we were finally able to conceive. Within a few weeks of finding out we were pregnant, I found out I had an ectopic/tubal pregnancy and that a procedure was going to have to be done immediately so as to not put my life at risk. I struggled to understand why as we had waited this long and now the Lord had chosen to take this little one. During this time, I clung to the words in James 1:2-3, which say, "Consider it all joy, brethren, whenever you face trials of various kinds because you know that the testing of your faith produces endurance." I was able to find joy in the midst of struggle because of the faithful prayers of many and because of the comforting words found in Scripture. I remember thinking back to the words of Tom Schreiner as he preached through James. He said, "God uses trials to refine us, strengthen us, make our prayers more fervent, to reduce our pride and produce more humility, to reduce our self-sufficiency and increase our trust and reliance on Him." He preached these words the day before we found out the baby was not going to live. The life of my little one was in the Lord's hands and I began to realize more fully that the Lord is the one who gives life and that I was going to have to continue trusting and relying on His grace even when it was hard to understand and the tears were many.
A few months later, the struggle seemed to grow again, so I decided to seek counsel from our pastor and his wife. As I met and talked with them about my struggles and sin, I was reminded of several things. First, I need to remember that my joy, happiness, and contentment are not found in the circumstances I find myself; rather, my contentment comes through my relationship with Christ and through the sacrifice he made for me on the cross. I was encouraged during this time to be more open with my struggles with other people so they would know how to pray for me more specifically. I was also encouraged to be a more active participant in the lives of women who were pregnant-to ask them questions, find out how things were going, and ask them how I could pray for them as they prepared to become mothers. I realized that it is okay to be upset, but that there must also be a balance of finding joy for other people as they find out they are pregnant.
Well, a few months later, the Lord took us on the most difficult part of the journey yet. We found out we were expecting again. I took several tests to make sure and then scheduled an appointment with the doctor. We involved several people in the process as we we wanted them to be aware of how they could pray for us during these early days of waiting. The initial blood work returned positive but we still remained uncertain at how things were progressing. However, within a couple weeks, the mountain top of excitement and joy became a valley of despair as I miscarried twin babies. I have never felt such a loss before and I have to confess that it is the most difficult thing I have ever dealt with. As Jerry Bridges says in his book, Trusting God, "just as we learn to obey God one choice at a time, we must also learn to trust God one circumstance at a time. Trusting God is not a matter of my feelings, but of my will. We honor God by choosing to trust Him when we don't understand what He is doing or why He has allowed some adverse circumstance to occur." To see my babies' heartbeats, to see the life the Lord created and to anticipate so greatly the life He had planned for them was an incredible experience, but in His sovereignty, he chose to take them and I wept for those little ones that I would never hold. I was reminded of several truths in Scripture: Psalm 73:25-26 says, "My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." Habakkuk 3:17-19 says, "Though the fig tree should not blossom, nor fruit be on the vines, the produce of the olive fail and the fields yield no food, the flock be cut off from the fold and there be no herd in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the Lord; I will take joy in the God of my salvation. God, the Lord, is my strength; he makes my feet like the deer's; he makes me tread on my high places."
I have reason to hope, to be strengthened, to be renewed. The Lord has not forgotten me. He still loves me. He has seen fit to lead me through a difficult time with his grace and mercy to sustain me and teach me what it means to fully rely and trust in Him and not lose heart. "Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal." There is something so much greater that awaits those of us who believe and hope in the Gospel of Jesus Christ. It is an ongoing battle to fight against the fleshly thoughts and feelings that arise. The battle for contentment is going to continue for me. I am not through it yet. It is through prayer, friends and the words of Christ that point me back to the saving grace of the cross and remind me that I have been forgiven, saved, and redeemed. I will not lose hope because the Lord has promised to be faithful and true and in that I can praise him and keep my eyes fixed and focused on him-the author and perfecter of my faith.
*Look for a post soon to celebrate the first year of Nathan's life!
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