Stationery Card

Lessons in Faith

 

Jeremiah 17:5-8-"Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose trust is the Lord.  He is like a tree planted by water, that sends out its roots by the stream, and does not fear when heat comes, for its leaves remain green, and is not anxious in the year of drought, for it does not cease to bear fruit."

Recently, I was reading the blog Girl Talk Home by Carolyn Mahaney and her daughters and one of them was reflecting on a time of suffering in her life.  She said, "Ultimately my hope and joy rest not in my circumstances.  Whether my days are happy or difficult, whether I experience loss or gain, God's word points me to the joy that is unshakeable, the joy of knowing peace with Him, through Jesus Christ."  As I was thinking through her words, I couldn't help but think of the past year and the journey of faith the Lord has taken me on.  If my joy was dependent upon my circumstances, I would appear to be in the "depths of despair," as famously coined by Anne Shirley in the classic book Anne of Green Gables.  It reminds me that my joy and hope are not contingent upon my circumstances.  My joy rests in Christ alone and the greatest gift he has given me through his death and resurrection.  In Him, we can remain "like a tree planted by water, that sends out its roots by the stream, and does not fear when heat comes..."

Back in January, I found myself going through some health issues.  Some mornings I woke up feeling so bad, that Michael had to drop everything he was doing so he could watch Nathan while I just stayed in bed.  My mom had to come up and stay with us for a few days while I rested and regained my strength.  As I thought this time was coming to an end, I started feeling bad again and went over a month without knowing what was going on and not feeling anything like myself.  In April, my doctor, after running a myriad of tests, finally determined I had a hormonal imbalance which was causing my body to be completely out of balance.  She was able to prescribe some medicine to help get me back to normal.  Within a couple months, I finally started feeling like myself again and was thankful to be able to function without having to call the doctor.  I remember after seeing her in April, one of the last things she said was, "Maybe the next time I see you, you will be pregnant."  I remember responding by saying, "Maybe so!"

Little did I know that the next time I saw her it would be because I was pregnant; however, it didn't go like I had imagined in my mind.  Back in August, Michael and I found out we were pregnant.  We were so thrilled, and we immediately began talking about how fun it was going to be to have two kids and a sibling for Nathan.  I called the doctor and made an appointment to come in for some blood work to confirm that everything was okay with the pregnancy.  The results came back good, but she did put me on some progesterone and wanted me to come back in a week for more blood work.  Thus, beginning the wave of anxious feelings-"This is what happened when I found out we had an ectopic pregnancy and when we miscarried the twin babies," "Something is wrong, I just know it or she wouldn't have me come back in for more tests."  Michael quietly and gently reminded me that we didn't know if anything was wrong and that we needed to trust the Lord. In between the week of tests, I remember looking up and writing out several verses on trust:
Isaiah 41:10-"Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God.  I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."

Philippians 4:6-"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God."

Psalm 56:3-"When I am afraid, I put my trust in you."

These promises were such an encouragement and reminded me that God was sovereign and we could trust him with the unknown.  Thankfully, the tests came back great and the numbers were increasing as they should be, so now was the time to celebrate.  We scheduled our first official visit with the doctor and left excited for this new little life.

Within a few days, the feeling of celebration turned to utter dismay as I was certain I was in the process of miscarrying.  I remember texting Michael and all I could say was "I am pretty sure I am miscarrying."  He rushed home and I was completely overcome with grief.  All I could think was, "This can't be happening again!  Everything was fine three days ago.  I don't know if I can go through this again."  Weeping, I remember just laying on the bed, afraid to call the doctor, afraid to go through what I had already been through three other times, afraid of the emotional and physical pain.  Psalm 56:3, "When I am afraid, I will trust in you"  starting going through my head.  My sweet husband came in and held me and we prayed for this little life, that the Lord would sustain it, that somehow everything would be okay.  The doctor got me in that afternoon and an ultrasound was scheduled to check the baby.  As I was waiting, for what seemed like hours, in the waiting room, I prayed over and over that the Lord would preserve this life, that I would trust him, that he would grant me peace in the midst of the circumstances I found myself.  When the ultrasound tech showed us the screen, I knew immediately that everything was okay.  I saw the tiny baby and could see the heart beating.  She didn't even say anything; I had been through this so many times, that a wave of relief and thanksgiving came over me, as I knew the baby was okay.  The tech confirmed this and we left with a sweet picture of our new baby. What I did have, though, was a subchorionic hemorrhage, which is the pooling of blood (clots) inside the uterus that come when the placenta and uterus are trying to attach.  Most of the time, it resolves on its own, which is exactly what the doctor said. I was put on modified bed rest and told to come back in on the regular scheduled appointment day and they would check the hemorrhage.  I was given a due date and told "Congratulations!" and was sent on my way.  Thus, began a long week of waiting.  My husband served us selflessly day in and day out and continually reminded me to keep my trust in the Lord and to not worry.  His trust in the Lord was such an encouragement to me and helped me during those long days.

The day finally came to return to the doctor.  I had a peace and was excited about seeing the baby again and hopefully getting the clearance to resume normal activities.  When the ultrasound tech called us back, I kept thinking everything would be fine; however, once the exam started I knew with the deafening silence from the tech that everything was not okay.  I knew by the images on the screen that everything was not fine, so when she said she had everything she needed, I quietly asked, "Is the baby's heartbeat okay?" and then came the response that replayed in my mind for days, "No ma'am.  It's not."  I felt numb.  It was like I was in a dream or nightmare that couldn't possibly be happening...again.  The Lord blessed us with a doctor who was amazingly kind, compassionate, and sympathetic.  When she came in, she said, "I am so sorry" and gave me a hug.  She quietly sat down and said, "I know you have been through this before, but I know it doesn't take away the pain of this loss and doesn't make it any easier." 

In the days to come, the Lord gave me several verses to meditate on:
Psalm 16:8-"I have set the Lord always before me; because he is at my right hand, I shall not be shaken."
Psalm 18:30-"This God-his way is perfect; the word of the Lord proves true; he is a shield for all those who take refuge in him."
Jeremiah 31:25-"For I will satisfy the weary soul, and every languishing soul I will replenish."
I Peter 5:10-"And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you."
I Peter 5:7-"Casting all your cares on him, because he cares for you."
Lamentations 3:32-33-“Though he brings grief, he will show compassion, so great is his unfailing love.  For he does not willingly bring affliction or grief to the children of man.”

Was my heart aching from the loss of this precious little life? YES
Was I weary from the tears as my husband held me in his arms as I grieved? YES
Was I overwhelmed from the emotional and physical pain? YES
Was it hard to fathom the ways of the Lord? YES
YET,
I can trust the Lord!  He is my sure foundation.  He is my shield and refuge.  He is my Restorer.  He will grant me strength.  He is my comforter and he cares about all that is happening to me.  He alone satisfies me.  He is my hope and salvation.  His grace is sufficient.  He is good and "his steadfast love endures forever."

I don't have to understand; I have to trust.  Jerry Bridges in his book, Trusting God, says, " “In order to trust God, we must always view our adverse circumstances through the eyes of faith, not of sense.  And just as the faith of salvation comes through hearing the message of the gospel, so the faith to trust God in adversity comes through the Word of God alone.”  

God's Word was my comfort over the days to come.  The words penetrated my heart and blessed me with peace, strength, and joy.  I knew the Lord was with me.  I felt loved by the outpouring of love, prayers, and support of family and friends.  I knew the Lord had given me the amazing gift of my son Nathan.  I began taking note of all the blessings the Lord has granted me.  He has given me the gift of motherhood.  He has allowed me to stay at home and watch every first my son has done.  He has given me a husband that loves me as Christ loves the church.  He has sustained me physically by allowing the physical pain to not be too overwhelming.  He has given me joy and in that I rejoice.  

Philippians 4:4 says, "Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say rejoice."  I recently reflected on why we should rejoice in our trials:
We can rejoice because...
God's power is at work in our lives.
Christ's power rests in us and produces strength, even while we are weak.
God's grace is sufficient to hold us and keep us.
It results in the fruit of the Spirit.
It reminds us that our confidence does not come through our circumstances, but through Christ.
God commands us to rejoice.
The testing of our faith produces steadfastness.
God's glory is revealed.

Habbakuk 3:17-19 says, "Though the fig tree should not blossom, nor fruit be on the vines, the produce of the olive fail and the fields yield no food, the flock be cut off from the fold, and there be no herd in the stalls, YET I will take joy in the God of my salvation.  God, the Lord, is my strength; he makes my feet like the deer's; he makes me tread on high places."

Though my heart is still healing and aching from this loss, I can rejoice, just as Habakkuk did.  The Lord is my strength and he will carry me through.  His mercies are never ending!

Whatever my God ordains is right,

Here shall my stand be taken;
Though sorrow, or need, or death be mine,
Yet I am not forsaken,
My Father’s care circles me there,
He holds me that I shall not fall,
And so to Him I leave it all.

~Samuel Rodigast

God's Good Gifts-Part 7

"Let us thank God heartily as often as we pray that we have His Spirit in us to teach us to pray.  Thanksgiving will draw our hearts out to God and keep us engaged with Him; it will take our attention from ourselves and give the Spirit room in our hearts."  ~Andrew Murray 

241. A healthy doctor visit for Nathan's one year appointment and strength for Mom as I had to hold him as he got 3 shots and a TB test.

242. After Christmas sales on several new books for Nathan's 25 days of Christmas books for next Christmas. 

243. Good health in a season where many are getting sick.

244. Servant hearted ladies who prepared dinner for an associational meeting with local pastors and church leaders.  

245. A fun photography session with a patient photographer for Nathan's one year pictures.

246. Time to catch up with a good friend.

247.  A fun at home date with Michael-food from local restaurants, great dessert, and a game of Scrabble.

248. A crock pot that makes preparing dinners so much easier.
249.  A new recipe for chicken tortilla soup on a chilly winter evening.
250.  A morning workout that helps me get energized for the day.
251. New wooden, magnetic letters and numbers that keep Nathan engaged while I cook dinner or wash dishes.

252. Opportunities to teach Sunday School each week, especially when the kids are listening well and are eager to answer questions about the lesson.
253. A warm, cozy, comfortable house to live in each day when the weather outside is bitterly cold, icy, and windy.
254. Quiet days at home to enjoy with Nathan.
255.  A little boy who loves to read books.
256. Watching Nathan push his little motorcycle all over the house, smiling and excited about getting around in this new way.
257. A book on hospitality that challenges, convicts, and encourages me in my role as a homemaker.

258. God's forgiveness and mercy when my attitudes and actions are sinful.

259.  Quiet times in the afternoon to read, reflect, pray, and sit.

260. New days that offer new beginnings and new opportunities.